There have been so many times (like this) that I have spoken to you and only hoped that you could hear me. I dream about you often. In my dreams you are glorious and I run to you... but can never get to you. I run and run and I get nowhere... I call out but you do not hear me. You are happy- even without me. Maybe that's the way it needed to be. I'm not sure that I'll ever fully know or understand. So in the meantime I will continue to talk to you as though you are listening and watching and reading.... and just hope.
Hope that somehow you can you hear me. Hear me tell you the stories of my life... hear me laugh, hear me cry, hear me pour my heart out to you, hear me singing loudly when I think no one is around ... hear me say something that would make you cringe or or make you laugh or just make you love me.
Hope that can you see me when I do the stupid things that I do when I think no one is looking. Hope that you have watched me grow and change, watched me make mistakes, watched me live my life.
Have you been proud? How have I done on my own? Has it been on my own or have you been there all along? I like to think that you are there? I feel comfort in the idea that you are watching and cheering me on.... but I don't hear you and I can't see you.... and I can barely remember your face anymore. I don't know if my memories are truly memories or if they are only images from the photos that I hold so dear. I can't remember your voice. I don't remember what it sounds like to hear you say "I love you". I miss you so much.....
I'm sorry- I really am. I hope you know that. I love you and I hate you and I love you some more. You're gone but please don't leave me. I need you- despite what I have said from time to time.
And I want you to know... he looks like you. He feels like you did. Passionately and purely. He hurts like you and that scares me to death. He breaks my heart in ways that no one understands. Can I help him? Could someone have helped you? If you were here you could tell me what to do. Would it have passed or was it inevitable? I'm trying so hard to make it right. I'm trying so hard to not repeat the same mistakes.
Sometimes I want to run to you. I think about how much easier it would be if I did. I want you to hold me and make it all alright. I know I can't.... but I want to. Maybe someday that time will come. Will you have me then? Will I be enough then? Can we be together again? Will you hold me and shelter me from the storms and make all the scary things go away? I've been waiting a long time for that.... A really long time and I'll continue to wait.
I thought about going to see you today- but it's just too hard. So once again I will let it pass and just quietly think about you. But I WILL be thinking about you... as I always do. You are gone but not forgotten, you have left but are always with me- in me- part of me.
I love you... I miss you....